As my birthday slowly marches toward me and I'm left asking the question, "Am I really going to be 37", I pause to celebrate that YES! I really am going to be 37.
It's kind of hard to say b/c it doesn't sound right, and it's hard to believe b/c it doesn't feel right. My brain starts doing its baseline calculations: It's been 7 years since dad died. It's been 13 years since I moved to Chicago. It's been 15 years since I've graduated from college - 19 years since high school. 19 years since high school? I start to ask myself, "who is this old woman that is typing this post? "
Yet even as the thoughts that accompany age float in and out of my head (am I too old to have kids, I HAVE to get healthy, when is my next hair appointment to hide these grays, if I'm 37 how old does that make Apple, how come I still want to watch cartoons) - they seem to be met with the perfect storm of growth, perspective and appreciation.
I will say that my one worry about getting older is becoming less and less tolerant of people. You often hear words like "idealistic" and "hopeful" when talking about youth and "hardened" and "cynical" when describing older people. The truth is that each year is a chance to be amazed by or disappointed in people. Some years we are + in the "amazed by column" and others the "disappointed by" column tally increases. My challenge is letting my 37 year old self process so that so it doesn't impact my 40 and 45 year old me to come.
I used to think when you'd hear someone say, " I would not want to be 20 again" that they forgot what it was like to be 20. And perhaps that true, but forgetting what it's like to be 20 is ok - when you know what it means to be 37. What is unspoken in that sentence is the peace that comes with recognizing that your journey is winding and that even on dead ends, the view can be inspiring.
Somewhere in the middle of writing this post, Kenton popped online to chat. (That's him being the Bou above) A 20 something with his head on right, I met Kenton when we both were working at Caribou. We share a birthday. We just don't share years. I was born in 1974, Kenton in 1989. For perspective, when Kenton was learning to crawl and walk, I was in high school. And yet 19 years later there we both were learning how to make a decaf soy cappuccino wet.
Some of the smartest and most dedicated people I've met, I met working at a part time job making $7.50 an hour. A scientist working at a lab in Madison, An MBA who took 6 months off to find herself in South Africa, a teacher who is moving to Spain to teach ESL, my favorite nurse working her heart out in Portland, and a chef working underneath greats like Homaro Cantu in Chicago. Oh and of course my wife. It's hard to believe for a short period of time all of our journeys took us to the corner of Stadium and Packard and 5am shifts.
While the rest of us were finishing up degrees, or in the middle of sweeping life changes, Kenton was just getting out of h.s. Working along side a 19 year old could have been distressing, but I never questioned 32 year old self for working at Caribou. It was my choice, it was what I wanted and needed at that stage in my life. Even if this road was slowly draining my savings. I knew to get to the next leg of my journey, I needed to start at the first step. And sometimes the first step feels like its 1000 miles away from your last. And sometimes it is. And that's ok.
As Kenton is getting ready to graduate college we started talking about experience and perspective that comes with age. I found it interesting that he said " I just wish I had some more of the perspective - like I know what I am capable of and it makes me sad that I wont be reaching my full potential till later in life so I want the perspective now" I reminded him that the journey is golden b/c there is magic that comes when you learn a lesson. But then again that knowledge comes with time.
This past week has been trying to say the least. I think 25 year old JAL would have been crushed, needed two days sleep to recover and wonder what to do next. 37 year old JAL has taken some time to process it with her spouse, write and plan - all with the knowledge that life's lessons happen for a reason.
As my birthday gift to myself this year, I simply want to be aware, present and working hard to be the best person I can be to all those people I am something to. I want to take my experiences and use them as ways build upon my lessons. And most importantly, I want to know I am true to myself - no matter how old I am or how old I feel.
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